I am supposed to be finishing the story I started...but my mind is too jumbled to write. Too strained. Today was hard. I am really not a fan of money. And I also completely trust God. I know tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. Today I need to completely be in today. It is also why I am the personality type that could easily put a backpack on my back and go.. roam the Earth. I am not afraid. I have complete confidence in the Universe.
I married Mr. Steady. My story would eventually come to that. So maybe, for the sake of my sanity.. I will tuck away the story for now..Ok?. ... and pick it all up again someday soon.
Right now Mr. Steady is leaning hard down on me. I know that farming has never lost us money. Its hard though...for him to see the gain. Mr. Steady is a realist and he needs to see what it has gained us .. money wise. And of course in my picture of life.. I see no reason to go a different way, because money is not the whole picture that I see. Free ridiculously good food to me equals money. Health equals money. Days spent free.. free as wind curled up in the yard under the apple tree equals money.
I have had money. Pieces of paper that you tuck in your pocket till you need them....
I had a restaurant that each day was filled with a whole lot of money. But it took away my love of life. It robbed from me daily.
I have seen people with money and I don't know many people with money, with happy faces. Atleast how happy I am, when I don't have money. But he is weighing on me again.
I cannot try to tip him..sway him my way. He has heard all my tales a zillion times. I think he thinks my dreams of a yurt were better then four hard walls and windows.. but back then he was skeptical.
Tonight my heart is hurting. I am not sure if its broken...but it sure hurts.
"If I knew what you were thinking, then I would stop this boat from sinking"....-Passenger.
..of course a song comes to this mind of mine....I wish he would stop this heart of mine from sinking. This idealist heart needs wings to sail. He has always let me sail... but no more.
Doesn't he know me? I make curtains out of vintage bed sheets? I make four amazing dinners out of one home grown chicken. Doesn't he see all the heaps of blessings up till now? Oh Mr. Steady. Won't you eat greens and beans with me? And be completely happy?....
Lets run away then, to the beautiful Pacific coast. Lets sell this place of ours and buy a tiny plot of land on the sea, and put up our Yurt..and grow amazing things....
Did you loose me again Mr. Steady?
Its a 401 K plan you want for me? ..and weekly pay? Today its hard to breathe.
And alls I want is life to be easy.
I just want you to ...as the song says... Grow old with me let us share what we see And all the best it could be Just you and I -Tom Odell.
See I promised I would share the real. Even the hardest of days.
For now, Miss
My dad who is kinda my partner in this crazy scheme of mine recently said to me well I don't see you doing this much longer if we don't make a profit too much labor for free he said....and my heart broke a bit (more) doesn't make sense he said. I didn't say anything but shrugged but I said in my mind doesn't it?
ReplyDelete