So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light.

I am up with Mumford and Sons.. getting lost in haunting lyrics. My fan is downstairs humming and not in my little office. It is hot inside. So very muggy. I tried calling J. no answer... I am having a hard time and only he understands. Its July. The heat hits me and haunts me. It sucks all the life and spirit completely out of me... I get so tired and go inside. Deep inside myself. When will this end?

Each year marked by July's. How do I let this go.
This anger wells up inside of me and I spend the heat and muggy days bitter. Sad on myself. I find it hard to smile.. and yet smile is my only way out.

I have prayed for years.. for this pain to be lifted from me. And over time it weakened its grasp, but because of my own strength.. no other.  All is well each year.. each season..the memories distant, till the deep July heat sets in and then I mourn like it was yesterday...so fresh in my mind.

I took a step forward.. last July. I took that looming day and buried it in joy, instead of pity. We went to Bolton Beach, my little ones and I.. we celebrated their tiny lives and not the one I lost so many years ago.

I desperately want to break free. I am no longer reaching into the small wooden trunk that holds the last baby things... his foot and hand prints...those last photos..his blanket. I keep it closed up tight... buried deep in my closet.

How do I feel such a great loss for someone I never got to know. Why do I have such a deep longing for his tiny fingers and tiny toes.. only once that I was able to hold.. so many years ago, in the dim lighting of a hospital bed...?

And the anger...when I step back from myself. When I see my young self standing over a beautiful white casket burying my son. Dropping red roses and leaving him alone, cold. My heart turned cold.
I mourn for myself...the self I was in the months, the years before. I need to be free of this. I want back youth, I want to be free from the haunting pain.

I am setting up my own ritual. A ritual to say that this is the end. A decade I have mourned for you. This month, all of this needs to end. I will live with this hole in my heart no more.

I can't focus this month. I can't be happy and productive.

I am going to burn his name in my skin....I have considered it for so long. And I am going to surrender his hold on me to the universe....and say goodbye. I never said goodbye. I am weaping just typing the word. This July is goodbye.


You saw my pain, washed out in the rain
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright
So lead me back
Turn south from that place
And close my eyes to my recent disgrace
Cause you know my call
And we'll share my all
And our children come, they will hear me roar
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me that we'll be alright
But hold me still bury my heart on the coast
And hold me still bury my heart next to yours ...Mumford & Sons